I cried in the shower today

I cried in the shower today.

Finally.

Like an ugly, snot coming down my face, kind of cry.

And it felt good. 

Finally a release from everything I’ve been holding on to. Clinging to.

To be honest, it all started because I was in the shower, washing my hair to get ready for my picture at the DMV because I realized in order to get my new FL license, I’d need to surrender my old one. And I LOVE my CA license. I looked good, my hair was blonde, it was taken shortly after G & I got married in 2019, which was pretty much the last normal year before the world as we knew it ended.

As I was washing my hair, “Rivers & Roads” by The Head & The Heart came on thru my Spotify:

“A year from now we'll all be gone

All our friends will move away

And they're going to better places

But our friends will be gone away

Nothing is as it has been

And I miss your face like hell

And I guess it's just as well

But I miss your face like hell”

And I cried. And cried. And felt all the hurt, the pain, the loss, everything that I’ve been holding onto for months, maybe even years, because I truly can’t remember the last time I had a really good cry. 

I cried for the friendships I’ve lost.

I cried for leaving California.

I cried for moving even farther from my family & friends in Hawaii.

I cried for all the changes that were taking place, that I felt the universe was forcing me out of, but knew damn well that this needs to happen because I get too comfortable with things that are uncomfortable because it’s safe, not because it’s necessarily good or healthy for me.

And I cried because I was giving up my license, a good picture I had of myself, which was really one of the last physical things that tied me to my old life.

And as the water hit me, I let the tears fall…and I allowed myself to be cleansed. 

When I do get the chance to meditate (which nowadays is way less than I would like), I always ask Spirit to help me release that which no longer serves…and though my ego doesn’t wanna admit it, my license is certainly one of those things that doesn’t.

It may seem silly that I’m crying over a drivers license, but is it really? I guess when you cling to the past, it’s hard to let go of anything that touches your heart in some way…even if it’s just a good picture you took at the DMV…in a state that you once loved, where you created memories with people and a life that is no more.

It’s funny how the universe works too, I saw The Head & The Heart at Coachella 2014 and this weekend is the 1st weekend of Coachella. I’m not even in the same state so I couldn’t even go if I wanted to, but I miss that time in my life. My life looks a lot different now…but life doesn’t stay the same, does it? Nor is it supposed to. We grow, we release, and we make space for what we’ve grown out of to make room for what it is we’re growing into.

So here’s a picture of how my life looks now, and despite it being taken in a place that is no longer home and now in the past, the most important thing— the people and the love in it— have traveled with me, here, in the present. That is something I can hold on to, as I continue to practice the art of letting go and saying goodbye (or as we say in Hawaiian, a hui hou) to what no longer is.